“I want to be you”

Dearest Tiny,

It is the second last day of the summer holidays. Yes, I’m counting, not because I want them to end, but because I know that I will miss you terribly. The second half of the holidays have been hard on all of us because of Ajja being unwell and Papa having to rush to India without notice. As I write this, there is still a lot of uncertainty about when he might be able to return. But here’s what I want to say to you. Thank you. Thank you darling for being so tuned in to my needs. At five years of age, you show such great empathy and clarity of judgment in respect to me and my environment that I am indeed thankful beyond measure for you in my life.

Just yesterday you heard me complaining about the relentless chores. I was talking to myself but I realized that you are always listening and maybe I need to be more careful in the future. Anyhow, I went upstairs to get some more work done. After about 20 minutes you softly came into my room and said to me, “I have tidied up mummy, I have tidied up the playing cards.” I was so touched by this gesture that I said to you, “Thank you darling, I will just see you in a minute.” And then I came downstairs and I was so surprised to see that you had tied up not just your playing cards but the entire living area.

And it isn’t thoughtful acts like this that pleasantly surprise me and make my day easier. It is also what you say and when you say it. For example, at lunch, you had once said, “You are so funny, mummy. I like you. I like your face. It is beautiful. I actually like all of you, except maybe I’ll give you less crazy hair.” On another occasion when I said I should probably be in the films for all the drama in my life? , you said to me, “But mummy, you are the film.” 

And how can I forget that day? How can I forget that day when you were staring at my reflection in the mirror and when I asked you what you’re staring at, you said, “Mommy, I’m looking at you because I want to be you.” You didn’t say I want to be like you, you said I want to be you, and that somehow just stayed with me.

Ever since Papa has left for India, every single night you bring your dog soft toy along with Winnie The Pooh and keep them on his side of the bed “so that you don’t have to be alone, mummy”. The other day we discussed adopting a cat and you were keen to know exactly when you are going to get a cat, “What’s the hurry?” I asked. “Because when all of us go out and you are alone at home, you will not be alone anymore if the cat is with you.”

Such wise words! Are you really five years old? I have come to rely on you a lot more this past month. Having you and your Dada around has been extremely heartwarming and comforting for me personally.

I can see how our roles are slowly reversing.

“Are you okay, mummy?

Do you want to rest, mummy? 

Did you take your medicine, mummy? 

Are you able to walk properly now?”

You  shouldn’t be worried about me. And every time I think about all these lovely things you do for me, I just feel so guilty because you need to be a child and a child doesn’t need to be thinking of adult health and safety. That’s our job isn’t it? And then as if you can read my thoughts, you come and give me a tight cuddle and all is well with the world again. 

You are truly my guardian angel, I am sure of that, and I am also 100% convinced that not all angels have wings. 

Love always

Mummeeee